the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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