Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
