scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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