what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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