alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
