hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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