Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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