remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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