I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
