so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
