Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
