Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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