i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
