That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
