it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
