Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
