Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
