I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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