nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
