i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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