My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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