He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
