I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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