Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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