All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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