I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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