proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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