I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize