and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
