you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
