Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
