Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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