The maid of honor just puked.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
