In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
