i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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