If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
