Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
