I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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