I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
