I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
