What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
