His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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