don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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