Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
