I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
