hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
