remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
