the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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