people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
