just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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