why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize