feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
