This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
