When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
