1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
