It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
