Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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